In a bizarre encounter today, I, an organic-eating, almost-no-alcohol-drinking, illicit-and-illegal-drug-virgin, and classically-trained singer and actress, received mail from Marlboro. Yes, son of Phillip Morris, father to Marlboro Man, sponsor of international motor racing and manufacturer of more than 20 varieties of cigarette sent snail mail specifically addressed to me, unsolicited, undesired and, hopefully, erroneously. I was actually afraid to handle the slim black envelope, fearing it would be dirty and texturally displeasing.
Dear Marlboro:
I don’t know from whom you acquired my address, but I ask that you please save trees and postage by not mailing to me again. I don’t anticipate ever needing or wanting to purchase your products, as they will almost assuredly interfere with the production of my art, the productivity of my business, and the durations of both my career and life.
Thank you,
Alecia
A Never-Smoker
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