Earlier today I queried, “Why is hindsight 20/20″? You see, I’ve had difficulty abiding by my personal tricolon recently: I go, I do it, I leave. Specifically, I have had difficulty failing to recall two auditions I had last week. They were callbacks for roles in a TV pilot–my first auditions for a pilot since I worked as quirky teacher Jenn on The Six Fifty-Seven, a tale of commuter train pals. Fundamentally, every audition is a chance to work and, like all actors, I enjoy working as often as possible. Surely, it is foolish to dream of landing every gig, but it is reasonable to believe the possibility of working periodically with some regularity is feasible.
In every performer’s heart is harbored secret loves and passions–those so-called “dream jobs”–and in my case, this pilot captured a few of these elements: accents, intrigues and period costumes. As much as I’ve tried to sweep last week’s experiences from my mind, these past few days I’ve found myself pondering reflectively and questioning introspectively: “Oh, I could have delivered this line like this! That phrase could have been turned in this way, and why didn’t I try that? What must they think of me?!”
How does one stop putting all eggs in the same basket? Is it done by auditioning more frequently? Or by caring less about each opportunity? I certainly do my best to cultivate as many auditions for myself as possible, so that’s about all I can do on that front. Objectivity is a construct upon which my practice is found, so I try to care enough but not overwhelmingly so.
Why do I care at all? Is it selfish to want work that accesses those skills I most enjoy using? Is job appeal solely rooted in the relation between one’s likes and desires, and the potential of the gig? I always want to do my best so I showcase my ability, my creative intelligence, the skill of the casting director and my potential contribution to the final product. Could I be excessively evaluating the event?
Actor David August responded quickly to my tweet, saying, “it is so we can hone our foresight”, and in doing so he truly struck the nail on the head. Hindsight can be a very useful and instructive tool if approached as one, and often I do my best to take what I learn at each audition and improve my own technique, approach and output. In this instance, I know know more about one particular method of auditioning as well as another approach to preparation.
But will it ever be enough? Where lies that seemingly ephemeral intersection of desire, skill, appeal and opportunity? Where rests the balance between risk and reward? As I reported at the time, I did the best I could and that is all one can ever do. Learning to assuage my sense of un-fulfillment seems to be a skill I must still adopt.
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